A bottle of Hennesey and an ashtray filled with a couple of cigarette butts sit beside me on the black maple coffee table.
The ashtray, still warm, from burning my pain away… or so I thought.
I mixed the trust with the pain, and it has fucked me up.
Now how do I say goodbye to someone who I gave all of my heart to?
I once heard that love is patience and I guess we both failed to embrace this.
We rushed into so many things instead of taking it step by step and letting our emotions link up and lead.
I am sorry I wasn’t able to grant you everything you desired,
I am sorry that I am not the nigga you prayed for and always wished for,
You were a complicated soul who needed a person that understood you,
I thought, rather, I really believed, that I was that person for you,
I guess I was wrong all along.
No one can possibly understand what loving you felt like,
No one will ever love you like I do, yes, I still do!
Well, my universe just broke down and so did my heart.
I tamed myself for days such as these. Days when the world chose to give me hell on earth. Days that I felt I could burn everything to the ground. Days that I felt I am more of a devil than a man. Days that my blood boiled with pure rage. All in the name of love. Just because I chose to be a lover rather than a fighter.
Well, somehow, days like these seem to find their way back into my peace.
My peace, you were my peace. It’s crazy how someone can feel so special yet mean nothing. I would love to know you all over again. People would call me mad for that. But it’s a fact. You made a presence that created the best of me. All along I was burdening you? Wow!
My words wouldn’t mean anything, I know that.
You said it yourself; you want nothing else from me,
Once again, I’m sorry for making an unworthy appearance in your life,
I learnt the hard way, and as I tune my piano keys to play Billie Eilish’s When the party’s over, I resonate with the fact that you were my happiness. You brought that smile even in the times of adversity. And I guess we have come to the end of a chapter. Short-lived but epic. As of now, I believe happiness for me is an illusion. My pills are all that can make up for my sad and tough days. I guess it’s true that you only love her when you let her go. Love is a losing game.
Written by: Diana Indigo & Guncho.